I have been absent and I apologize. A series of emotional things have happened and I found myself using them as an excuse to not go and exercise. Today was rough. It was destined to be a good day. But I was approached about a sensitive subject. I knew this individual would be ready to argue. But I wasn't ready to be the chosen target. I know I got emotional because I felt overwhelmed immediately. Almost a surreal experience, because I know what this person is capable of doing and they know what buttons to push. They also claim they are a different person. Sure we change on the surface but deep down we are who always have been. We just need to work harder at keeping ourselves in check. Guilty party here. I am no better. After a three to four minute heated discussion, I was left trembling and in tears. Tears because I knew that no matter what I said or how I explained or painted the picture for this person, the outcome was "You are wrong."
I look for the good in people and I am truly an eternal optimist. I want to treat people they way they treat me. I know I allow myself to be railroaded and fail to standup for myself. I don't think I can call myself the victim especially when I set myself up for disappointments. I accept what is granted to me and call it love or just the way it is. I also struggle with negative thoughts such as 'I am only good to someone as long as I keep giving and accepting of their poor behaviors towards me.' I know I am worthy of better. I just need to accept my blessings and react positively towards them and throw the negativity far from sight.
I have a life long relationship with low to nonexistent self-esteem. It goes back to early childhood, and it reared its ugly head up in my early twenties and often resurfaces for fun and games just to fuck with me. Friends, am I alone in this? I fail miserably at accepting compliments. Those who are close to me know this well about me. I prefer to go unnoticed and in the background, where I feel I belong. I can definitely accept compliments about my culinary skills. The smiles and faces and the second and sometimes third servings speak for themselves. This Chingona can cook. Now that I see the word Chingona, I don't see myself worthy of this name. Chingona is a Spanish slang term for "badass woman." I can pump myself up and say it and even have a drinking glass that displays the word. But do I believe I am a Chingona? Maybe in the kitchen, otherwise NO. I am going to work on being a Chingona. I will be sharing more about this and let you help me identify my Chingona moments.
As I mentioned earlier, today definitely didn't start how I intended. This altercation has made me wiser and I am setting a boundary with this individual. It needs to be set and kept there forever. I refuse to be a whipping boy to anyone. I refuse to be a target of someone's angst or disappointments. I will also avoid giving ammunition to any one who will use it against me. Vulnerabilities are not meant to be used against anyone. EVER. I am speaking to myself too. I am not blameless. I am a work in progress. I also know this individual is working on improving their life. But this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I sit here and cry about today's event and how I was singled out for things beyond my control. These are growing pains for sure. I am learning. I am striving to be stronger.
I don't know how much you all want to know about the deeper side of my hurts or my journey on how to improve my emotions and my physical self. Honestly, I don't know how much I want to share without coming off as whiny or pathetic. Posting pictures of my journey can leave me vulnerable and exposed for so much criticism that I may not be prepared to handle.
Tomorrow is a new day. Back to the gym. Back to my regime. I haven't got off my path. I just simply sat on an uncomfortable tree stump. In sitting here I have figured out I don't like the stump. It is uncomfortable and I will get my ass up and move on. I will be ready for the next obstacle or distraction. Learn from it and move on. Teltschik Like It Is. Goodnight.
Cry. Let it out.
But move on and smile, because this obstacle is over.
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